wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
