if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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