toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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