I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dating After Heartbreak
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My ass is underappreciated
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.