I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.