Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
