final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
