he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
