Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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