My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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