My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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