2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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