look no pants
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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