I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
