At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
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I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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