Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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