no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
this will be a night to untag.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
