Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
