There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
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Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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