You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
