No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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