I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
