i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
