Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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