i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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