do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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