I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
