oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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