he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
