My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
