how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
