Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
