Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
