I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
