i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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