I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
