HIV tests are more positive than that guy
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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