I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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