This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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