I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
