you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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