happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
