I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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