Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the day after is always just damage control
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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