my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
