I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
