He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
