guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
