we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
two words: eviction party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
