The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize