i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Omg I joined a choir last night...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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