You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
