And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone came in the potted fern
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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