We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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