So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
