his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
