he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
