I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
